December 26th, 2014

Last Hope by MachiavelliCro

Life…….It can spiral out of control so quickly and leave you dizzy, empty and worse than wrung out.  Thats what has happened to me….again.

I am so thankful to be able to say that I’m in a bit of a better place right now but looking back on the last two years, it hasn’t always been so.  You can see that its been quite some time since I’ve posted anything and thats because theres been so much going wrong in my life that I actually didn’t know where to begin or how to express my thoughts in any meaningful way.  Productive expression of thoughts means that there is a voice, a coherence of ideas that result in an ordered organization to those ideas and events with the intention of bringing clarity to my life.  I couldn’t do that and even today I feel like I’ll fail even in the attempt.  But feelings have to be told where to get off and purposed actions must take over without the cloud of emotion concealing a direction designed by a “true” heading.  Alcohol, passion, selfishness, etc. have had their way and now with the pieces of a broken life laying about, Its time to get to work.

My best friend has been driven away. Love has been exchanged for emptiness.  Purpose has been replaced with a hopeless heading.  And so I find myself humbled and on my knees learning of mercy, grace, forgiveness, humility and love anew.  Yes, alcohol and meaningless passions have decidedly destroyed my life.  But it wasn’t as if they forced their way into my life.  No, I welcomed them in!!!!!!!  I pulled out a metaphorical musty old mattress and snuggled up alongside a dumpster and gave up a dream of a rocking chair staring off at an awesome sunset settling across the western rim of the valley.  I gave up “Always”.  Always having someone to love, Always being loved, Always being thought of, Always being cherished, Always being connected, Always being needed, for absolutely nothing.  I’ve lost love, career, purpose, money, friendship and family.  ”Always” really doesn’t mean “Always” when you give it away as I did.

Prison isn’t a place you want to go.  Its not a place for the feint hearted but it will show a man or woman what they are made of if they will only take the time to allow themselves to be opened up and cleansed.  The world vanishes.  Friends vanish. Family vanishes.  Love vanishes.  Children grow up.  But thats not solely because of me or you.  Its because Life goes on.  Its carried forward in time and you realize that its vanity, arrogance, pride, selfishness, ego, self-centeredness and a whole host of other arrogance based descriptives that are to blame.  But Life doesn’t stop.  I (and you) are not that important!  We seek to MAKE ourselves of great importance but its an empty pursuit!  Whatever course of action you take to accomplish your importance and “wholeness” will never be enough!  And for people with a personality like mine, (for surely I cannot speak of all personalities and there are certainly others of a much better temperment) once the chase for EMPTY purpose starts, you end up farther adrift than you wanted to go and you stay much longer than you wanted to stay with nothing of lasting value to show for it.  That seems a harsh statement in this humanist self righteous world we live in, but its true!  Many wont agree but it may not mean that its not true, it may simply mean that there hasn’t been sufficient circumstances in our lives thus far enabling us to SEE that truth.  Perhaps I’m mistaken.  But whats worse is that even if you are “blessed” enough to be granted the opportunity to SEE it, there comes a time when you will have the opportunity to look away from its truth.  Scripture talks about how awful it is to have seen truth and then to turn away from it.  The freedom of choice and will always allows for it, but there are consequences.  Some….eternal.

So what does all this rambling mean?  Perhaps its merely my first clumsy attempts to put order to my thoughts.  Perhaps I’ve just missed trying to write.  Who knows.  But I do know this: Life may be difficult for long periods of time.  Friends may leave you.  Family may drift away.  Marriages may crumble. You may be the reason for it all or you may not.  But Life goes on.  Ending mine didn’t work out so well and now that there is distance and time between, I’m thankful.  I can see that even though there are huge mountains in front of me, I’m starting my climb.  Yes, I’m starting out alone, but I’ve been given the gift of opportunity and I’ll begin the climb.  I already have.  I’m trying to be mindful this time that its not about getting over the mountain (for surely there is another challenge that lays beyond) its about each step along the way, those we encounter and those that encounter us.  During my times of resting, “travelers” pass by.  My goal is to refresh them, just I’ve been refreshed by others.  I will unpack the boxes of my life one at a time and hopefully, never hopelessly, I’ll move forward.

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