Another Hopeless Suicide

February 23rd, 2009

Watching TV the other night I caught a reality show where the police were investigating the death of an 18 year old young man which appeared to be a suicide. I suddenly got flashbacks of the numerous death scenes I had been to where somebody had taken their life because life itself just seemed to have gotten the best of them. The comment the investigator on the show made was almost the same that I had said and heard many times over the years; “Another Hopeless Suicide.”

The reality of a failing economy and the pressures we place on each other to measure up to some unreal, unattainable standard results in some of the most dramatic and drastic actions we are capable of taking against ourselves. Every suicide is sad. Bar none. It’s a homicide and that leaves victims strewn all over. No one escapes unharmed by the tragedy. Let me tell you of the saddest one I ever witnessed.

Many of the details have faded now that so many years have past, but I do know that when we walked into that house, it was a picture no one could forget. The destruction that elderly gentleman had caused to his body was beyond belief and out of respect for his memory and his family I will refrain from describing the brutality of the scene. But this I will tell you: as we investigated the scene and picked through the evidence, we found a note next to his body. Although there may have been shorter exit notes in history, I’ve never read one as gut wrenching as this one. Written in the scrawl of an aging man on plain non-descript paper with simple pencil, the note contained these simple words: “I can’t live without my Maryanne.”

Thats it. Nothing more. Pretty simple in fact. But when we looked into it, we found out that he had been married to his wife for many many years and had tenderly cared for her as Alzheimers began setting in and she become more and more helpless and less and less like the woman he had known and loved all those years. As the disease took her life, it took his at the same time while cruely killing the greatest love he had ever known. Two weeks before we found him, he had made the terrible decision to place her into a home for he was no longer able to care for her and she had nearly wasted away and was no longer herself. I’m sure that after he came home that first time without her, his resolve was steeled and the last few grains of sand from the upper portion of his lifes hour glass slowly trickled down, silently marking the time. The end was near. He knew he couldn’t go on. No one could help ease the pain he was feeling without his best friend and lover.

I sat there looking at him and reading the note and my heart broke for him. I have cried many times as I think on that note and tell the story of the saddest suicide I’ve ever witnessed for I see myself in him. There is someone out there with that level of sadness and is on the verge of doing the same thing this man did. There is some reason that, like a deamon, wants you to do just that, as if you don’t matter and tells you that no one knows the pain you are going through. The latter may be true but the former is a lie! I have no idea where you stand. I don’t know what is your bane. It doesn’t have to take much especially when things seem to be as dark as they are right now in the world. But, YOU DO MATTER. Make no mistake. You matter to me. I don’t know you but I am a human being and so are you. I may be an empty face just “out there” somewhere in cyber space, but I can assure you that I am a real person with real problems and real struggles and real bills and real car troubles and real worn out shoes and a real heart that thinks of people just like you; because I’ve been there. Yes I have. I will tell you about that tomorrow. But if you are on that edge, wait one more day. There is hope. You just don’t see it right now. You matter and I will talk to you tomorrow. Don’t give up yet. Just one more day.

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