NEVER HOPELESS

The concrete tunnel closed in around me. I inched forward on my elbows, pushing with my toes, unable to get to my hands and knees because the tunnel was so narrow in diameter. I couldn’t look back because of the tight cramped quarters. All I could do was push my flashlight ahead of me, ignore the spiders and keep the panic at bay. It worked……….for a while.

Darkness was everywhere. Without the light, the tunnel became a surreal, disorienting place that caused my senses to seemingly go haywire for a few seconds. Sound could only come at me from straight ahead because my body closed off most of the tunnel from behind. I couldn’t fold my arms back along my body and because of that, I couldn’t roll over onto my back to rest either. I was in the position I was in and straight ahead was the only direction I could go.

The light only shone a few yards forward and the strain on my neck began to take it’s toll within just a short distance. The concrete tunnel was cold, hard, dirty and suddenly, quite small. I’ve never been partial to tight spaces before. Growing up on the farm we would make tunnels out of hay bales that seemed to go on for ever. But when the enclosure go too small for us, we would just bust out and everything was ok. Here, there was no busting out.

Panic began washing over me. My mind began to run away with my ability to think rationally. I could feel my heart begin to race. My breathing quickened and I began to think that somehow the oxygen levels had dropped in the subterranean soon-to-be tomb. I was suddenly almost mad with fright and it was all I could do to get my mind to slow it’s train wreck pace.

I shut the flash light off and let the darkness wash over me. I closed my eyes and laid my head down on the cold rough surface and began to mentally convince myself that I was OK and not about to die. I had to calm my breathing and soon my heart rate that had been pounding in my ears began to slow and drop nearly back to normal. All those thoughts of panic and doom still haunted my mind but I had been able to push them back into the dark corners they had come from and resolve, determination, confidence and hope, yes, hope, returned to convince me that I would make it out alive.

I lifted my head and felt for the flash light. Finding it, I turned it on and began to reason and weigh out my options: do I go back? or do I press on in hopes of finding an opening somewhere ahead. I felt better knowing that a somewhere behind me there was a known opening and if I just controlled myself long enough, I could get there.

Slowly, I began inching my way backwards blindly. I couldn’t move fast and the minimal gains seemed to take twice the strength now that I was moving in a direction my body wasn’t used to . My elbows and forearms began bleeding and I left a trail of blood along the bottom of that concrete tunnel. I moved at a snails pace and every few minutes I had to stop, turn out the light and calm my anxiety that continually rose like bile from the depths of my guts. But I pressed on.

Finally, after more time than any live person should have to spend in a coffin width tube under ground, I backed my way to the opening, climbed to the surface and breathed the fresh air of freedom.

I sat on the edge of the man hole with my feet dangling down, allowing my bloody arms to rest on my legs and my battered mind to slowly clear when I observed a pregnant woman approaching from a nearby yard. Exhausted, I glanced up at her, still squinting, trying to get my eyes to adjust to the light. I smiled and greeted her.

“You didn’t get it?”
“No ma’am. I didn’t”
“Well you ARE going back in aren’t you? You can’t just leave it in there! I’m calling animal control. You guys are useless.” And off she stomped.

You see, I had taken off all my gear and crawled through a storm drain in an effort to rescue a kitten who was wild with fright. She had ran from me once I entered the pipe even though she sat crying at the bottom of the access shafts, dirty, scared and hungry. But, fright took over and she ran deep into the darkness and I felt I needed to go and try a rescue.

Well, not every one was satisfied with my efforts and felt obligated to express it. They had no idea what I had experienced in that pipe nor did it matter. I went in because I wanted to. That kitten needed to be rescued and while it wasn’t the best way to do it, (in fact, it was quite stupid and I DO NOT recommend anyone ever try that! DO NOT ENTER ANY STORM DRAINS FOR ANY REASON) I wanted to save her.

Turns out that a can of food in a Have-a-Heart trap did the trick and within 24 hours she was rescued, safe and sound. Sometimes you might find yourself caught in a tight space with no where to turn and panic settling in over you. Maybe you are in that space right now. You might even think you are about to die. Just stop.

Take a few breaths, get to a quiet place, stop and breath. Tell yourself that it will be OK. It may take a lot of work; you might get beat up and bloody. You may even get fussed at by people who don’t know you or what you have been through. Just press on. Know that you are doing the best you can and somehow it will be ok. I am fighting for you and I believe in you. Forwards or backwards, you will get out of the tunnel. Just keep moving and focus. You will be fine.