Where’s the Hope?

March 26th, 2011

Here I sit, under the light of a hinged arm lamp, swung over the back of a chair casting dim light down on my just finish copy of Reader’s Digest and my empty soda can. The room….it’s…sad, empty, foreign, even though I sit here watching over my own blood, quite possibly dying.

I write about hope when there appears to be none. I write about believing when everything says give up. I write about grasping, holding on, when every fiber in your body screams “LET GO!” And here I am, wanting of hope, doubting, and wondering if there’s any more bright tomorrows.

I love my sister but she’s killing herself. You see, I’m on watch. I’m wondering if its a death watch.

I remember back in the military being on fireguard at night. Everyone took turns sitting awake for an hour or two each night watching over the other soldiers as they slept. I can remember standing watch while my friends, fordged in great trials, slept. I remember, even though it was so many years ago, wondering where they would be next year or in 5 years, 10 years or even longer. I wondered what the future held for these men and I wondered if or when we would see battle and which ones of us would come home alive. As I watched, I remember vowing that nothing would happen to these men on my watch. I only had an hour or two where every mans life completely depended on my vigilence, and I would not fail them. And so I watched. My time ended and the next man took over.

But tonight is different. Those men wanted to live. They wanted to fight for life, for freedom, for ideals, for love, for hope, for the future and for dreams. They wanted to fight for all those things because that’s what made America grea. We were fighting a fight fought by so many brave, noble, honorable and ordinary men and women before us. My sister however, wants to die.

What do I do? Addicted to alcohol and prescription medications of all sorts, this professional woman has succumed to fears and anxieties that have left her a mere shell of the once vibrant, caring, loving, compassionate, focused, driven, God-fearing, considerate, evangelistic, selfless woman she was. Drugs and alcohol have taken the once honest woman I knew and changed her into a bitter and deceitful person bent on self destructcion. She wants to die.

She was a woman of unquestioned integrity and now lies nearly non-stop. She was a woman inclusive of all and now shuns anyone who come too near. Her hiding of bottles and pills has become so proficient we only find what the blackout has dropped on the floor, forgotten to hide or left in the cup or bottle when she was no longer physically able to down the rest. Angrily it has claimed its stake on her life and is requiring it even as I write these words.

The story of her descent is far too long and painful to put into words right now. I want to do something but what? Commit her? Its been done. Get her into treatment? She’s left. Therapy? How many names of therapists do you want?

My poor father had to retrieve her vehicle from the back side of a quarry after she got lost for hours and stuck in the mud. The police have been involed in numerous incidents and only recently has there finally been anything close to an arrest made on her. Its a viscious cycle! She’s embarrassed, anxious, convinced she’s worthless and that everyone would be better off without her and so she drinks and abuses medications. She sobers up, feels bad about what she’s done, apologizes and then begins to think our forgiveness just can’t be true and becomes embarrassed, anxious, convinced she’s worthless and everyone would be better off without her and so she….on and on it goes.

She’s killing herself. And I’m helpless to DO anything. So here I sit on watch.

This evening when I arrived at her house I managed to get answers to two questions. First: did you take pills? “Yes”. Do you want me to stay? “Yes”. I couldn’t get answers to any other questions and so I walked her back to her room, made sure she got into bed, covered her up and sat down on watch.

Where’s the Hope here? That she’ll beat this? She doesn’t want to. As she was slowly rocking back-and-forth in what appeared to be pain, I asked if she wanted everyday to be like this. She nodded her head “yes”.

So I am on watch for the night. Will there be a tomorrow? A next week? A next year? I don’t know. But I watch now as I watched then. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. But for now, I watch because I hope for tomorrow. I hope for my sister. I hope for the victory that may or may not come. Where’s the hope? It exists in each one of us, regardless of the situation, who stands watch over something, or more importantly, someone.

If you like this post please buy me a cup of coffee

2 Responses

  1. JoLene Says:

    How is your sister doing? Do you have an update for prayer purposes.

  2. dgetter Says:

    Just an update. For anyone who is praying we are so thankful and continue to believe that He is able to heal all and bring her back to health and stability in Him. He is the answer. My sister is doing some better and has entered a new program and I believe the Lord is working in this since she had made a commitment to stay as long as necessary. We are thankful for the prayers and support and I thank you. Please accept my apology for taking so long to respond. In Him…

Tell Me Your Thoughts Here.

Please note: Comment moderation is enabled and may delay your comment. There is no need to resubmit your comment.